Star Trek: San Diego

[Smyth Wesson]

Captain Biff Harding: A gruff, bitter, aging officer. Harding is quick to anger, and drives people like slaves. As the reader, you're not meant to like him.

Commander Smyth Wesson: First Officer of the San Diego. Not quite the shining example of discipline in an officer, he often makes decisions on the fly.

Lt. Cmdr. Kristen Stanford: San Diego Officious Officer. The absolute definition of an uptight by the book officer, constantly quoting regulations, remaining distant from the crew and personally enforcing all the regulations. Even the one about haircuts.

Lt. Cmndr. MacGyver: C'mon, you know Macgyver. He has a mullet and can fix anything.

Lt. Kraap'la: San Diego Chief of Security. Second Klingon in starfleet, likes to blow things up and kill stuff. Unfortunatly, he has many terrible fears (Butterflies, Micheal Jackson, Getting cancer from using the communicators etc.)

Lt. Jack Somethingsomething: The Helmsman on the San Diego. Noone knows what his last name is, not even himself. Did i mention his rougish good looks? (lack thereof).

Lt. GAM: Chief Operations guy, his name stands for Generic Alien Man. He comes from a culture that is simply bizarre for the sake of simply bizarre.

Dr. Erin Fune: The Chief Medical Officer of the San Diego, basically kind of a bitch.

USS San Diego: Standard Nova-Class surveyor.

"Pilot"

*The San Diego, a sleek new starship hangs in space dock, awaiting final crewmembers*

San Diego Bridge

Harding: Nice. Velcro strap for remote control, cupholders, ample space to store magazines. *Pulls lever on the side and a footrest pops out* Oo, footrest.

Stanford: *Agitiated look on face* Sir, we should leave soon.

Harding: I was just about to say that. Mr. Somethingsomething, full impulse.

Jack: Yes sir. *winks at the camera*

GAM: Should we not disengage the do- *loud tearing noise as the San Diego leaves with part of the space dock hanging off of it* -cking clamps?

Jack: Heh heh, whoops. Guess they'll be feeling that one in the morning.

Kraa'pla: Captain-

Harding: Shut your trap, turtleface and get me a coffee.

Kraa'pla: Sorry sir! Right away sir!

GAM: Captain, i'm picking up a distress call, audio only.

Wesson: Put it on the surround sound.

Harding: I give the orders on this ship.... Ok, what he said.

*Carnival music, screaming and explosions can be heard in the background*

Voice: This is Captain Clone Galloway of the Starship Dallas-A, we've been boarded by an enemy force. On no condition should anyone approach this ship. I mean don't even set a course to investigate. I'm warning you, just leave warning bouys and get as far away as possible. I'm not kidding. Just stay away. If you set a course for my ship, you're a moron.

Harding: Jack, set course for the last known source of that signal, warp 9, engage.

Jack: Aye aye El Capitan *winks at camera*

GAM: Please cease winking at the camera. I am right next to you and it appears that you are coming on to me.

Harding: Don't make me smack you two around. Cause I will.

Wesson: So, uhh, how long till we get there?

Jack: We'll be there in 3, 2, 1

*The ship drops out of warp in orbit of really shiny planet*

GAM: Captain, I am picking the Dallas-A. It is on the planet's surface.

Harding: Can we beam down?

GAM: No. Too much lipton interference.

Harding: Mmmm, iced tea.

Wesson: What about a shuttle?

GAM: The atmosphere is too turbulent.

Harding: Jack, you know how to land this thing?

Jack: NO. But I'll try anyways. *winks at camera*

GAM: I believe I requested you to cease that.

Kraap'la: Oh my gods. What if the atmosphere tears us to shreds?? What if whatever attacked the Dallas-A decides to atack us??!!? WHAT IF THOSE TINY LEGS BREAK WHEN THE SHIP LANDS!!!?? TODAY IS A POOR DAY TO DIE!!!

Harding: =/\=MacGyver, you ready to land the ship?

Macgyver: =/\= Yeah, just finishing duct-taping the aft port landing leg on.

Harding: =/\=Good, now get back to work you slacker! Bridge out.

Jack: So. Anyone else hope this planet is inhabited by lesbian space amazons?

Wesson: No, that's Amazonia IV. They got boring really fast when their civilization died out due to a birth rate of zero per year.

Jack: Oh. Well, we're about to touch down.

Wesson: Cool beans.

Harding: Kraap'la, Wesson, you're with me. We're going down there.

Kraap'la: Yes sir.

Wesson: Aye.

*The San Diego touches down in a valley next to a small settlement, the docking arm falls off of the San Diego, crushing most of the settlement.*

Jack: Ooops.

Planet's Surface

*The San Diego's boarding ramp lowers, Wesson, Kraa'pla and Harding walk down*

Wesson: All readings are normal. *looks at Harding* Why didn't i get a rifle?

Harding: Because, I'm the Captain. Now, shut your mouth before I blow it open.

Wesson: Hold on- I've got movement.

Kraap'la: *Faces Harding* DUDE! RUN!!!

*They all run away as a shadowy figure pursues them.*

Wesson: Look, it's the Dallas-A *points at big wreck*

Kraap'la: I don't know, looks kind of scary.

Harding: Scarier than this forest?

Kraap'la: You're scaring me.

Harding: You big pussy.

*suddenly they are caught in a net*

Kraap'la: MOMMY!!

Sn Diego Bridge

MacGyver: So... anyone read any good PADDS latley?

Jack: Well, I read this story about a vulcan woman who goes into pon farr-

GAM: Commander! we are recieving a signal from the planet! Audio only.

Stanford: Put it on speaker, and turn the volume down this time.

Voice: Hello. My name is Bobo. You are intruding on our planet, surrender or your crew will die! Starting with Captain Hardon.

Harding: -it's Harding.

*Dramatic zoom-in on Stanford's face*

TO BE CONTINUED

...IMMEDIATLEY

Stanford: We don't negotiate with clowns.

Bobo: Very well. *He levels a gun at Harding's head*

Wesson: Aww man, I've read way too much Stephen King to have the stomach for this kind of thing!

*There is a loud bang and a thump*

Bobo: Captain Hardon is dead. Now, who will be next?

Kraa'pla: Uhhhhh.....

Bobo: *sniff sniff* Eww... what's that smell? Augh, it's awful, everyone outta here before we gag to death!

*The clowns run out, and Stanford beams in with a security squad, all of them smartly wearing spacesuits*

Stanford: Are you alright Commander?

Wesson: Yeah *Wheezing* Just as soon as I get that smell outta my system. Man, *waves air away from face* What did you eat, Kraa'pla?

Kraa'pla: I get gassy when I'm nervous...

Wesson: Well, good thing because we'd probably be dead by now. Now, let's get back to the ship so the Doc can chop off my nose.

*The San Diego majestically sails away from the planet*

Wesson: Personal log... Starfleet has put me in command of the San Diego... Stanford is now first officer. hopefully our next mission, a routine survey of planet Lusitania will prove less... problematic.

NEXT TIME ON SAN DIEGO

Fune: It's a virus.
Wesson: Ok, so let's get this straight: It's spreading at an exponential rate and-
Fune: Within 36 hours, this ship will be complete chaos.
MacGyver: Heavy.
Wesson: At least it's not clowns. Anything is better than clowns.

[Smyth Wesson]

And now, without delay, a second episode, ABSOLUTLEY FREE!

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: Captain’s log. The survey of Lusitania went entirely with incident. I'm surprised, seeing as the episode preview was quite ominous. We are now in the Omega Sagitta system, traversing the twin planets that form the Coalition of Medina-

Jack: We already know, you don't have to tell us.

Wesson: Look, I like to keep a log in case the ship explodes and we all die-

Kraa’pla: Sir, sensors are picking up an incoming ship.

GAM: *Looks at screen* It is an interplanetary cargo ship.

Wesson: Really? What would they want with us, then?

Jack: Maybe their toilet's busted.

Stanford: What are they armed with?

Kraa‘pla: Only primitive heat lasers.

Stanford: They couldn't even take on a Piper Cub.

Wesson: Finally, a starship that WON'T threaten to destroy us.

Stanford: Actually sir, we have yet to meet any other starships. This is the first.

Wesson: Ok, bad example.

GAM: Scans indicate its guidance system is maulnfunctioning.

Wesson: Put them on speaker.

Voice: =Cargo Carrier Erstwhile. Captain O'Connor at your service, sir!=

Wesson: Err... hello.

O'Connor:= My ship's no danger to you guys-=

Wesson: We never considered you a danger.

O'Connor: =Well, I wish I was still considered a danger... I'm alone and empty, which is rare for a man of my charm and talent. =

Wesson: Well, Mr. O'Connor, we're reading a problem with your guidance system.

O'Connor: =Whoa! Well, if you can figure that out from there, maybe you can help me fix it...=

Wesson: Hold please. *Presses mute button on armrest* Well?

Stanford: His guidance system should be easy to repair.

*Wesson unmutes the transmission*

Wesson: You're clear to dock at our port airlock.

O'Connor: =Thank you, I know you weren't expecting me.=

Wesson: Well, the unexpected is our normal routine.

*A cheesey synth horn riff of the main theme plays, followed by a "Fairy dust settling" sound effect*

"The Nutrageous O'Connor"

San Diego - Airlock

*Wesson, MacGyver and Kraa’pla are standing outside the airlock*

MacGyver: Well, here's hoping his presence isn't putting us or others in danger.

Wesson: Don't be silly, that kind of thing never happens.

*The airlock doors open, O'Connor comes through with what appears to be a dome-light*

O‘connor: Hello everyone, I'm O'Connor. Nice to meet you all.

Wesson: Hello, I'm Captain Wesson, this is MacGyver and Kraa‘pla.

*O'Connor looks at Kraa’pla*

O'Connor: No wars available, huh?

Wesson: Available? What? Can he just walk into a Rite-Aid and pick up a war? Hand over any weapons you have.

*O'Connor takes his pistol out of it's holster and hands it to Kraa‘pla*

O'Connor: Oh, right. *Removes a dagger from it's sheath and hands it to Kraa'pla*

O'Connor: more a piece of jewelry than a weapon. A remembrance!

Kraa'pla: ...

O'Connor: Can you guys help me out with my dome light?

MacGyver: We said we'd fix your guidance system, not your lights.

O'Connor: But it's an important part of my guidance system!

*MacGyver chuckles*

O'Connor: Hey, don't laugh! A dome light is crucial to navigation systems. Especially when your "navigation system" consists of the Yahoo Maps printout you're holding in one hand while you try to steer with the other.

Wesson: Alright, hand your dome-light to MacGyver, he'll fix it... somehow.

O'Connor: I'd like to do it myself, I'm more of the hands-on type.

MacGyver: Ever screwed in a lightbulb before?

O'Connor: Err, no.

MacGyver: Might want to let me do it. I heard a story where a guy died of lightbulb electrocution.

O'Connor: Can I at least watch?

MacGyver: Yeh, sure whatever.

Wesson: Alirght, so like get out of my face, guy. Go with MacGyver to the engine room.

O'Connor: Right!

*They walk off*

Wesson: Kraa’pla, I want you to keep a close eye on that… character.

Kraa’pla: Aye, Captain.

San Diego - Engine Room

MacGyver: Well, your dome light has worn zelebium contacts and I've replaced them with tricellite contacts.

O'Connor: But there's no tricellite in the Medina system!

MacGyver: No worries. The Dome Light will now outlast your ship.

O'Connor: Because of the part, or the way I fly my ship?

MacGyver: Well you do tend to push your ship to it's design limits.

O'Connor: Blame the pattern of my life, which is in cargo carrying and not a nice Starfleet position, I am forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and zest to the doldrums of my existence!

MacGyver: You live like this?

O’Connor: Life is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft! If it's canaries, and you can keep half of them flying all the time, you're alright!

MacGyver: Can I have what you’re smoking?

*More cheesy synths hang in the air like limburger*

San Diego - Bridge

*Wesson enters from the turbolift, looking very tired*

Jack: Hey Captain.

Wesson: Hmm?

Jack: I'm just gonna check the sensors, I ordered something off of qBay

Wesson: qBay?

Jack: The omnipotent auction site. *He looks in the sensor scope* Uhh, Captain? I'm tracking an unidentified vessel incoming, but it's not responding to our automated greeting.

Wesson: Wonder what they want.

Jack: They're locking what looks like heat lasers.

Stanford: Shields up! Yellow alert! *Taps commbadge* Kraa‘pla, get up to the Bridge!

Wesson: A bit too cautious? Lasers won't even penetrate our navigation screens.

*The episode pauses, and a nerd walks in front of it with a remote*

Nerd: And that is why the Starship San Diego could take on a Star Destroyer. Mmkay, keep "enjoying" the episode.

*He walks away and the episode unpauses*

Capulet: =My name is Debin of the planet Affleck. You have no business in the Medina system. Prepare to be boarded!=

Wesson: Uuum, why?

Capulet:=Because you are docked with the ship of a known criminal.=

Wesson: Criminal?

Capulet: =Yeah, he committed a few crimes on planet Affleck.=

Wesson: May I ask what kind of crimes?

*Kraa’pla comes in from the turbolift*

Capulet: =Nope. I'd love to tell you but I won'... err I mean I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you=

Kraa‘pla: Sensors are picking up another ship, It's approaching from the opposite sector.

Wesson: Hold please. Kraa‘pla, hail that ship.

Montague: =I am Secretary Montague of the planet Strayleg. =I am aware of Capulets demands, but I insist you hand O'Connor over to me.=

*Wesson gives the cut signal*

Wesson: *Taps commbadge* MacGyver, bring that cheesy bastard up here.
Wesson: Put them both on at the same time. *The speakers fizz for a second* Planet Affleck has made the same demand.

Montague: =Yeah, but honor! And prestige! And all that crap!=

Romeo: =But father-=

Montague: =Shut your face, boy. =

*O'Connor and MacGyver exit the turbolift*

Wesson: Y'know, I appreciate you not being an alien horde intent on killing us... but you should of told us you were being followed by alien hordes intent on killing us. Why are they after you?

O‘Connor: I dunno. I'm certainly not a criminal.

Wesson: Capulet, what is O'Connor's crime?

Capulet: =Alright! I'll tell you! He knocked up my daughter with an illegitimate bastard child! I have to do the right thing!=

MacGyver: Hey, that's no way to talk about your grandkid, man.

Montague: =And he stole the frickin Jewel of Thesia, a national heritage=

Capulet: =You think that's bad?=

Montague: =Try me, punk-=

*They start bickering*

Kraa‘pla: Well, they could fire till their lasers run dry.

Wesson: Gentlemen?

Capulet: Eh?

Montague: Wha?

Wesson: Why don’t you lot come over here, and we can discuss things, all civilized-like?

Montague: Very well…

San Diego - Conference Room

Wesson: Well. Isn’t this better, now-

Montague: He commited a worse crime on our planet!

Capulet: Nuh-uh!

Montague: Uh huh!

Capulet: He is honor bound to marry my daughter! Or he must die!

Montague: He must turn himself in to be executed! Or he must die!

Wesson: Isn’t that a bit redundant-

O’Connor: Everyone's talking about me and no one's talking to me. Given the option between being tried as a jewel thief, and marrying Juliet, I’ll marry Juliet, who's a nice package if I do say so myself.

Romeo: You can’t do that O’Connor!

Juliet: If everyone thinks O’Connor is the father, then I might as well marry him!

Romeo: O’Connor didn’t steal anything… I did. I took the Jewel of Thesia into custody to give to Juliet as our pledge of marriage.

Juliet: We lied because we thought you would go to war with each other if you knew the truth-

Wesson: Oh give me a break.

Romeo: And I lied about the jewel… because I thought I’d be disowned.

*O’Connor pulls the jewel out of his pocket*

O’Connor: Sorry, I never got the chance to deliver it.

Juliet: Oh Romeo- I ruvs j00.

Romeo: I ruvs j00 too. 4evr.

Montague: Now, of course they’ll live on my planet.

Capulet: Oh, no no no, they’ll live on my planet

Wesson: Get the hell off my ship already.

San Diego - Bridge

O’Connor: Thanks for the help, my noble friends. Perhaps we’ll meet again someday, somewhere far, beyond the stars. *Thumbs up*

*The Erstwhile flies away and obliterated in the crossfire between Montague and Capulet*

Montague: MY PLANET!

Capulet: MY PLANET!

*Both ships ram into each other and are destroyed*

NEXT TIME ON SAN DIEGO

Narrator: Jack is accused of a terrible crime on an alien world. The sentence... death.

[The Tenth Doctor]

Quite possibly brilliant!

[cloneof]

Quite?

Are you even lissening to yourself, this is pure gold.

[Smyth Wesson]

Originally Posted by The Tenth Doctor

Quite possibly brilliant!

Is that like "apparently confirmed"?

Or "slightly pregnant"?

[Smyth Wesson]

And now... an all new Star Trek: San Diego

San Diego - Ready Room

GAM: =/\=Sir, We're recieving a call from Admiral Janeway.

Wesson: Put it on in here.

*Janeway shows up on Wesson's screen*

Wesson: Admiral Janeway? What, they promoted you because of your respect for the Temporal Prime Directive?

Janeway: Listen Dumbass, every other Starfleet Admiral you've met has been plotting to subvert the Federation's core principles...I fit right in!

Wesson: Well at least I never ended up on the far side of the galaxy during a routine tactical mission into the Badlands! I suppose they've got you instructing in astro-navigation at the Academy?

Janeway: Talk to the hand, bitch. I'll have you know I made First Contact with more species than Captain Kirk, and without sleeping with any of the bastards!

Wesson: Sure, if I could just turn MY Number One into a lapdog, I'd be able to take credit for everything she does too!

Janeway: Shut your fat trap and listen for a minute. We've lost contact with Lusitania. I need you to drag your dumb ass over there and investigate. *She chugs down a gallon of coffee in one gulp* Janeway out.

Lusitania - Settlement

*Wesson, Fune, and Kraa’pla beam in*

Fune: Looks fine to me. Let’s go, I’m missing CSI Miami.

*A man crawls out of a house, he is twitching and he looks out of it.*

Man: Go… before it’s too late…

Wesson: What is it? What’s wrong?

Man: The… sick…ness…

“Unglued”

San Diego - Briefing Room

Wesson: Well?

Fune: From the looks of things, something bad happened down there.

Wesson: No, really?

Fune: *she glares at him for a second* The settlers claimed that some horrible disease was down there, but our tricorders didn’t pick anything up.

MacGyver: Nor did the transporter’s biofilters.

Wesson: Then what are we to assume happened down there?

Fune: Mass hallucination?

Jack: Crazy-ass party?

Wesson: Well, whatever happened I- woah.

Fune: What is it?

Wesson: Nothing, just a headache.

Kraa’pla: I hear ya *rubs ridges*

Wesson: Alright, if there’s nothing else, then we’re dismissed.

San Diego - Corridor

*Wesson walks out, Stanford is close behind*

Stanford: Captain.

Wesson: Yeah?
Stanford: I’m concerned about the potential risks here. We should call in backup.

Wesson: Concern smashern. I don’t see anything out of the ordinary, but uhh- *Runs temples* man, I feel like my head’s being split open.

Stanford: Are you alright?

Wesson: I’m FINE.

Stanford: Sorry for asking-

Fune (Over communicatior): =/\= Captain, you better get down here to sickbay. Better hurry.

San Diego - Sickbay


*Wesson walks briskly in*

Wesson: What’ve we got?

Fune: This. *Points at Kraa’pla, who is sitting on the floor and licking his leg*

Wesson: What the-

Fune: His tongue’s grown 3 inches and gained the consistency of sandpaper.

Wesson: That’s uhh…

Fune: I ran a test. He’s crawling with a viral infection. I ran a test of myself, I’m still waiting on the results, in the meantime, we need to screen the whole crew. Yourself included.

Wesson: What, you think I’m DISEASED or something?

Fune: No. This will only take a second. *she uses a hypospray to take a blood sample and inserts it into a console*

San Diego - Briefing Room


*MacGyver walks in. The lights are out and someone is sitting in the corner, shaking*

MacGyver: Hey, you alright?

*Jack spins around, revealing a pair of huge buck teeth*

Jack: I’M HIDEOUS!!

MacGyver: Woah. You need a dentist?

San Diego - Sickbay


Fune: Well, I’ve got bad news and I’ve got worse news.

Wesson: I’ll take the worse news first. Might as well get it out of the way.
Fune: You’re infected with the virus. And-

Wesson: Alright. *Taps commbadge* Stanford, I want you to initiate a quarantine of sickbay.

Fune: As I was saying, it’s airborne already. A quarantine is futile.

Wesson: Well then… what now?

Fune: Well, something is gonna happen to you, if it isn’t already.

Wesson: So what’s the bad news?

Fune: Your hormone levels are severely out of alignment. I’d say it’s this virus thing at work. Whatever it is, we see it can somehow hijack the host’s body and start changing it rapidly. I have no way of predicting what’ll happen to you.

Wesson: Alright then, get working on a cure. In the… meantime…*Faints and collapses onto the counter*

Fune: Man Nurse Simmons! *snaps fingers*

Simmons: Yes ma’am! *Simmons drags Wesson onto a bed*

Fune: Man, I was so hoping to slack off and watch TV today.

*A crewman drags Jack into sickbay. Jack has ridiculously huge teeth and hair all over himself*

Fune: Lovely.

San Diego - Bridge

Stanford: May it be noted in the ship’s logs that Commander Kristen Stanford has taken full command responsibilities as of 0900 hours.

*The backup helmsman, Lieutenant Vociferous mans the helm*

Vociferous: BOY, THIS SURE IS SOME CRAZY STUFF GOIN ON, EH?

MacGyver: Could you try not to yell in my ear? Thanks.

Stanford: Mr. Vociferous, take us out of orbit. We’ll have to quarantine ourselves in an isolated location.

Vociferous: AYE AYE COMMANDER!

San Diego - Sickbay Office

Fune: Simmons, how are the patients?

Simmons: Well uhh…

Fune: What?

Simmons: Better see for yourself.

*They go over to the main sickbay thing*

Fune: Where’s Kraa’pla? *Gestures to his uniform lying on the bed*

*Simmons pulls a fluffy white cat out of the clothes*

Fune: Definitley not slacking off today. What about the captain?

Simmons: Well, uhh… he is kind of a she.

Fune: Did you get drunk and accidentally perform a sex change again?

Simmons: That was you, remember?

Fune: Don't change the subject!

*Wesson comes to slowly, then bolts awake*

Wesson: Woah- I had that dream about the humpback whales again.

Simmons: Everyone has that dream. I always found that weird...

Fune: Uhhh… do you notice anything… different?

Wesson: *looks thoughtful for a moment* Now that you mention it. *David Tennat-y* New boobs, that's weird. *Tennant-y*

Fune: The crew is changing at an increasing rate. Most everyone is changing into a non-human form. I've already started showing symptoms myself. If this keeps up, then we’ll lose the ship.

Wesson: We’re not going to lose the San Diego! Not to this disease! Not while I’m in command!

Simmons: You were relieved of duty an hour ago.

Wesson: Oh, guess we’re screwed then.

Simmons: Don’t be such a buzzkill.

Wesson: Captain’s Perogative. Now, Doctor, what do we know about this virus… thing.

Fune: The virus bonds two sets of DNA together, using material from the host’s own “Junk DNA”. Basically, the virus acts like the cheese in a quesadilla.

Wesson: Man, that is one freaky quesadilla.

Jack: Freakydilla? How’s that for a name?

Wesson: It’s not the breast name there is, but it’ll boob.

Fune: Pardon?

Wesson: Oops, my mind seems to be elsewhere. I think I Chevy Chased myself. Little Freudian nip-slip.

Fune: Don’t make me hit you with this fire extinguisher. *Brandishes said extinguisher threateningly*

Jack: What about a cure, baby? *Has a squirrel tail by this point and is now 3 feet tall*

Fune: Call me that one more time and you'll be having your organs for dinner.

Jack: I love it when you talk food.

Wesson: Can we get back on topic, people?

Fune: Yeah. I’ve been working on it, but the virus is just too darned good. Every anti-virus I’ve come up with just bounces off of it. Plus, I've started growing branches and roots, so I'm kinda stuck here in the middle of Sickbay.

Wesson: Well then. We’ll have to contain this disease. If we can't stop it here, it'll spread to the rest of the Federation, and with a 1 in 80 chance of remaining human-

Simmons: That means 79 out of every 80 people will go fully animal and all wacko!

Wesson: Thank you, genius. Computer… Initiate Autodestruct sequence. Authorization Wesson 42-47-Charlie Foxtrot.

Computer: Working...... *POP UP* You have just won 2 free IPOD NANO's....

Wesson: Computer, close and continue.

Fune: Computer, Commander Erin Fune.. Confirm auto-destruct sequence. Authorization: Fune, 2 2 Beta Charlie.

Computer: Do you wish to sign up for our free newsletter containing the lastest news, gossip and rumors for all Paramount Products?

Fune: No. Continue.

Computer: Command authorization accepted. Awaiting final command.

Wesson: This is Captain Wesson. Destruct sequence: Alpha 1. 1 hour, 30 minutes, silent countdown. Enable.

Computer: Are you sure you want to continue? Blowing up the ship may cause you to lose all of your unsaved work.

Wesson: Proceed.

TO BE CONTINUED IN...

"So Very Wrong"

[Smyth Wesson]

Last time on Star Trek: San Diego

Proudcer: *Looks at the script* Ok. Fire the writers after episode 3.

And now the conclusion...

San Diego - Sickbay

Computer: Are you sure you want to continue? Blowing up the ship may cause you to lose all of your unsaved work.

Wesson: Proceed.

Simmons: Game over man, game over.

Wesson: Why isn’t Simmons changed? *Looks thoughtful* Wait… isn’t he always sneaking off to smoke weed?

Simmons: No no no! Of course not!

Fune: Of course! Freakydilla dislikes smoke! The combinant carbon emissions must break down its silicate outer shell and cause a complete genetic destabilization in the virus! Anything that produces smoke should be able to purge it from our systems.

Wesson: =/\=MacGyver, drag your ass down here.

MacGyver: =/\=Who is this? =/\=

Wesson: =/\= *flatly* I'm the tooth fairy.

MacGyver: =/\=Really? =/\=

Wesson: =/\=No, it's me, Wesson. Drag your ass down here.

MacGyver: =/\=Aye aye captain. =/\=

*MacGyver walks into sickbay, wearing a gas mask*

Wesson: Where'd you get that?

MacGyver: I put it on as soon as I read the script before the last episode started.

Simmons: So you were wearing a gas mask this whole time and we didn't notice?

MacGyver: Yup. I made it out of a Nintendo DS and my left shoe.

Fune: MacGyver, I've come up with a possible cure, which I'm going to test on myself now. *Fune lits up a cigarette, and promptly passes out*

*Simmons scans Fune with a tricorder*

Simmons: It's working!

MacGyver: Alright... give me a minute to think of a delivery sys-

Computer: Containment failure. Wildfire Procedure initiated. Shortening destruct countdown to 15 minutes.

Wesson: What?? Oh come on!

MacGyver: I have something. It's crazy, but it'll work.

Wesson: I’m down with crazy. I like crazy. Crazy and I are like… that.

Simmons: I hope this works.

MacGyver: Alright. Here’s the plan. I’ve made this special log of firewood.
*Holds it up*

Simmons: That was fast.

MacGyver: When burned it will act both as an anti-Freakydilla agent, but also as a knockout gas. We‘ll have to open up all the ventillation and shove the log in the fireplace.

Wesson: You’re right. That’s crazy. Let’s do it.

MacGyver: Eh. Not really. Due to budget concerns, the fireplace was put in the sickbay. It's easier to heat the place this way. There's just one problem... as we saw, the cure basically instantly knocks the patient out, and we only have 10 minutes to autodestruct.

Wesson: I suggest we go to Plan Not Die. Code Wildfire... we'll have to shut it down manually- where's the self-destruct mechanism?"

Computer: Why?

MacGyver: Err . . . we just want to look at it.

Wesson: Um, yes. We've er, never seen a self-destruct mechanism before.

Computer: You cowards. You want to save the ship and risk an epidemic. If I were a HAL-9000 I would kill you where you stand!

*MacGyver rips off his gas mask and puts it on Wesson*

Wesson: What are you doing??

MacGyver: We need to administer the cure quickly, and you have to manually shut down the autodestruct. You're the only one with the proper command codes, so you're no good to the crew passed-out, right?

Wesson: Right. I'll get down to the Destruct Core, while you throw that log on the fire.

Simmons: What about me?

*Brief silence*

Wesson: Go smoke a joint and brace for the end of the world. *Pulls open a jefferies tube hatch and slides in*

San Diego - Destruct Core

*A ceiling duct is shaking and banging around. The brackets holding it to the ceiling beak and fall to the floor*

Wesson: Ow! My torso! I need that for things! Like breathing and digesting!

Computer: Auto-destuct in... one minute.

*Wesson crawls out of the duct and slumps over the computer console in the center of the room*

Computer: 30 seconds.

Wesson: What was that code again? Computer, ask me my password question.

Computer: What is your first pet?

Wesson: First pet... first pet... first pet. I got it! Truffles the Tribble!

Computer: 20 seconds

Wesson: Uhh Computer, I entered my password.

Computer: 10

Wesson: Truffles the Tribble! Truffles the Tribble!

Computer: 8... 7... 6... 5

Wesson: I don't wanna die! Not like this! I never even got to get halfway into Season 1!

Computer: 3... 2... 1.

*Long, tense silence*

Wesson: What happened to the ship-shattering kaboom?

Computer: Code Wildfire has been averted by the Commanding Officer's personal emergency code.

*Wesson tears off the gas mask and passes out*

HOURS LATER

San Diego - Sickbay

Fune: Kraa'pla! *She shoves a broom at him* Clean this crap up! You were shedding all over my sickbay when you were a cuddly little kitten!

*Kraa'pla recoils*

Fune: What's the matter? Afraid of the broom?

*She waves it around a bit, Kraa'pla hides under a bed*

San Diego - Ready Room

GAM: =/\=Captain, you have an incoming message from Admiral Janeway. =/\=

Wesson: =/\= Put her on.

Janeway: Captain, I hear you had an exciting day.

Wesson: Oh yeah. We all caught a little cold, tried on some new birthday suits.

Janeway: I always knew you were a pussy, but I didn't know you had one! Zing! *she high-fives someone off-screen* That was a good one, Ensign Kim! Remind me to promote you. Wait... forget that last part.

Wesson: I'm appalled by your lack of tact, Admiral. We've throughly eliminated all traces of the Freakydilla and are en route to Starbase 12 for decon and a baryon sweep.

Janeway: Yeah... Freakydilla doesn't really sound scary enough. How about Doom Syndrome or Mutatamo? Regardless, I doubt we've seen the last of it... Janeway out.

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: Am I to assume all of our adventures will be this... strange?

Stanford: Provided the show's writers remain clinically insane, then... yes.

*Wesson waks in and sits in the command chair*

Jack: So, uhh Captain-

Wesson: Yeah?

Jack: What was it like?

Wesson: What was what like?

Jack: You know...

Wesson: No, I don't. Do you?

Jack: Well, that's why I'm asking you.

Wesson: Oh! You want to know what it's like to fall out of one of those ducts, right? Hurt pretty badly, nearly died y'know.

Jack: That's not what I- never mind.

Stanford: Orders, captain?

Wesson: Second star to the right, and straight on till McDonalds... I'm frakking starving.

NEXT TIME ON SAN DIEGO

IT'S MURDER ON RISA
WILL THEY SOLVE THIS DASTARDLY CRIME?
OR WILL THEY BE SLOWED DOWN BY PESKY "EVIDENCE" AND "WITNESSES"?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME

[Alex L.]

very funny.

[Smyth Wesson]

Yellowstone Planetary Park - Daytime

*We see Jack and MacGyver climbing up the side of a cliff*

Jack: Isn't this rad?

MacGyver: I guess...

Jack: I mean... we're climbing a cliff and stuff.

MacGyver: Yeah, but I'm hungry. I'm... gonna go down and grab something to eat.

*The whole place starts shaking*

MacGyver: Great Googly Moogly! We gotta get outta here!

*A rock falls on Jack, knocking him off of the cliff*

*Cue opening credits*

"Fear and Loathing In Yellowstone"

San Diego - Sickbay

Jack: Ow.

Fune: Hold still, I might accidentally slice your face off if you keep moving *Waving medical tool with blinkies in it* Not that anyone would mind, I'm sure. MacGyver, you were there. How'd the idiot hurt himself this time?

MacGyver: There was an earthquake.

Fune: An earthquake? On Earth? Maybe I should check you for brain damage, too. It's absurd. There hasn't been an earthquake on Earth in over 200 years.

MacGyver: I'm gonna go make a little booty call to Earth.

Earth Climate Control - San Francisco, Earth

*A shuttle lands. MacGyver and Jack step out*

MacGyver: Ah, here we are: San Francisco, the only city on Earth apparently.

Bosco: Well howdy folks! I'm Bosco, and this here buildin is my weather control center. She's a real beut, ain't she?

MacGyver: Mm hmm.

Bosco: Come on in, I got somethin to tell y'all. Hope y'all don't mind if we have company.

Jack: It's-

MacGyver: President Bodean!

Bodean: Heh, that's me. President Bud Bodean. Heh. Always nice to see two fine young officers such as yourself servicing our women back home.

Jack: Now, this is my kinda president.

*His aide whispers something into his ear*

Bodean: There are men on Earth too? I thought they lived on Mars. Boy, you learn somethin' new every day.

MacGyver: *whispers to Jack* How he got to be President of the Federation, I'll always wonder...

Bosco: As ya can see, this is where we contain Earth's seismic activity. Lately we've been havin problems about that.

Bodean: Heh, yeah, about that- we kinda already knew. For about 200 years.

MacGyver: Say what?

2001 - Washington DC - Oval Office

Aide: Mr. President! *waves manilla folder* I have urgent news! The Yellowstone Volcano will explode at any second and destroy civilization as we know it!

Bush: Is that it?

Aide: Yeah... why, something wrong?

Bush: Nah, nah. I was just in the middle of a important telemaphone call.

Aide: Oh, I'll just go then.

*He leaves*

Bush: Heh heh.

*He pulls 2 tacos out of his desk drawer and starts chowing down*

Bush: Tacos rule.

Earth Climate Control - San Francisco, Earth

MacGyver: So... we've known for over 200 years?

Bodean: Yep, pretty much. Pretty cool, huh?

Jack: Now that's my kind of procrastination.

Bosco: Bosco thinks it'd be a good idea if this conversation never left this room.

Bodean: Good idear. I hearby certificate this Presidential order to keep this conversation L.A. Confidential.

San Diego - Conference Room

*Wesson turns on the TV*

Bodean: If you vote for me, I'll like totally lower the taxes and stuff. I'm a good president. See, I even chose a VP this time.

Harley Quinn: We sure are gonna have fun, huh Mistah J?

Bodean: Heh heh, sure thing.

Narrator: Re-elect Bodean '78. Because if you don't, the Dominion will come and kill us all. Kill us all!

Bodean: I'm George Washington, and I approve this message.

*Wesson turns off the TV, Jack and MacGyver walk in*

Wesson: So, what did you two find out down there?

Jack: Bodean is the best president ever.

*Wesson looks at him oddly*

Wesson: How bout you, MacGyver?

MacGyver: I'm afraid the whole conversation is classified, sir.

Jack: Just between you and me, Rosie O'Donnel was in Yellowstone at the time.

Wesson: Well, that perfectly explains everything, then. Well, I guess that's it for this meeting.

*Wesson and the rest leave, leaving MacGyver and Jack*

MacGyver: What are you doing lying to the Captain like that?

Jack: Hey, more vacation time for us this way.

MacGyver: The blast would have a 600 mile kill radius. The ash would block out the sun for a major portion of the planet. The human race would probably survive, but a lot of people will die. Those killed instantly would be the lucky ones.

Jack: So exactly like the premiere of Star Trek V then.

MacGyver: This isn't a joke! The only reason I'm keeping my mouth sealed is because the president told me to.

Jack: That's reason enough for me.

San Francisco - Some Random Street

Voice: Excuse me. Are you Captain Wesson?

Wesson: Eh?

Voice: Over here. The booth with the purple neons.

Wesson: And you are-?

Garak: Garak. Just Plain, Simple Garak.

Wesson: And... what do you want, exactly?

Garak: I was wondering if you wanted to try on a new suit.

Wesson: Uhh... sure?

Garak: Excellent. *He begins measuring Wesson* I hear there's been quite the earthquake in Yellowstone?

Wesson: Yeah. Nothing big, Rosie O'Donnell was in town.

Garak: Is that so?

Wesson: I suspect that may not be the case.

Garak: Lies are never as interesting as the truth.

Wesson: Any campaign that knew it would have the edge. Bodean's probably hiding the real truth about Yellowstone so that he can ignore it and go on with his happy little campaign.

Garak: Really, now? And what do you suppose would happen, were someone to point it out? Someone running for president?

Wesson: There isn't anyone else running for President. The Federation has had one political party since the Great Liberal-Conservative War of 2271. Makes things more peaceful that way.

Garak: Is that so?

A Dark Room

Jack: Please! I've told you everything I know!

Voice: Is that so?

*A shadowy figure starts folding up a post-it note*

Jack: What are you gonna do with that? You probably know 47 ways to kill me with that, huh?

Voice: No, I'm going to do much much worse.

*He folds the post it into an origami... Jar Jar head*

Voice: (Doing a perfect Jar Jar impression) ooooh, mesa make doo doo fart!

Jack: AUAUAUAUAUAUAUUGUGUUGUH! MAKE IT STOP! I'LL TALK...I'll talk...

San Diego - Ready Room

*Wesson is watching his TV*

Morbo: Word has reached Morbo's ear that surprise candidate Garak of the Anything But Bodean Party has won the popular vote by a shocking 90 percent landslide.

Wesson: Well, I guess that's espionage you can believe in.

Morbo: Garak's main platform, the Yellowstone situation, has started to draw some controversy. We go to Federation science advisor, Dr. Merideth McKay. How are you today?

McKay: ****-tastic, now that you've utterly embarassed me on network TV. It's Rodney, by the way.

Morbo: You say there's no basis to Garak's platform?

McKay: We've had a forcefield erected around the caldera for over a century now. It seems kind of w-

Morbo: AND NOW TO PRESIDENT-ELECT GARAK'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH!

McKay: I didn't fini-

*Cut*

Garak: I promise. To not be President Bodean.

*Crowd erupts cheering*

Vorik: As Vice President... my blood boils... I must mate. *He leaps into the crowd of reporters*

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: Captain's log, stardate 474247424742.2. With the situation here resolved, and our shore leave over, it's time for us to move on. Perhaps our next adventure will be less mundane.

Stanford: Captain, you wished for a more mundane adventure last log entry.

Wesson: Yeah, well... shut up.

NEXT TIME ON SAN DIEGO


Archer: Those two little air fans up there ever do anything?

Mayweather: Nope.

Archer: Like console...like helmsman, huh?"

[Leila1]

I know how you must feel, poor bot.

Can someone remove it, please?

[sharpkiller]

Originally Posted by love007057

This is the new blank article 1, can be visualized in UBB Editor, add and modify content.

The bot doesn't seam to be working properly...

[Smyth Wesson]

Originally Posted by sharpkiller

The bot doesn't seam to be working properly...

You fool. By translating into English, you have uttered the invocation that will open the portal to the underside of the internet. Any moment, we could be flooded by zillions of bots.

And no, we don't have Chuck Norris, Kyle Katarn, Captain Robau or Gordon Freeman to save us.

[Smyth Wesson]

And now, an all-new action-packed Star Trek: San Diego

Freighter Errant Venture - Command Deck

Random Henchman: I have located the control relays, your Magnificent Muttonchopliness.

Shadowy Figure: Excellent. At last I will reveal myself to Janeway. At last I will have my revenge.

Starfleet Command - Reception Hall

*The crew is at a formal function type thing, with their fancy little dress uniforms and everything*

Jack: Check out all my medals, babe.

Fune: Those are fridge magnets.

Jack: ...Yeah, b-

*A starfleet admiral and a few officers come in*

Admiral: Captain Wesson. *Shakes his hand* I'm Admiral General. This is my good friend, General Admiral, from the MACOs.

Wesson: Good to uhh meet you both.

Admiral: I'm sure you all know why you're here.

MacGyver: Yeah, the Soliton Wave. Some scientest thought he could make it work, right?

McKay: Not just any scientest. *scrams down a handful of party food* Me. Doctor Lieutenant Rodney McKay.

Fune: How in the seven hells did he make Lieutenant?

Wesson: The more important question is: What are you doing here?

McKay: Stargate Atlantis got cancelled. What's more important is that tonight, everyone is going to see a successful flight between Earth and Risa. All thanks to me.

*Cue opening credits*

"Soliton Shuffle"

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: So uhh- run the plan by me again. I should know the whole deal, since my ship will be part of the thing and all.

McKay: *sigh* Alright. So the first station at Earth will generate the Soliton Wave. A series of control relay satellites at various points will regulate the Wave by bombarding it with Mini Soliton Waves to keep it managable. The San Diego will ride said wave up until Risa, where a second Soliton projector will disperse the wave.

Wesson: Sounds simple enough.

McKay: Well, I am a genius. If you'll excuse me, my transport to Risa will be here in a few minutes, and I'd like to be at the other station when the dispersal wave is projected. *He leaves*

MacGyver: Sounds simple enough. I did notice a few flaws with his plan, mainly the distinct lack of paperclips, but in practice, it should work resonably enough.

GAM: It will be a few hours before we start the test. What shall we do in the meantime?

Wesson: ... *sigh* Character development.

San Diego - Crew Lounge

*Fune is sitting back, enjoying a drink*

Jack: Mind if I sit here?

Fune: Yes.

*He sits down anyways*

Jack: Hey babe. Wanna see my shuttlecraft?

Fune: Don't call me that again. Unless you plan on using your ass as a storage pouch for your head.

Jack: What?

Fune: *sigh* It's a threat. Now, I'm going to go relax somewhere else. Before I try to kill you or something.

Jack: Kinky.

*she leaves*

Lt. Vociferous: HEY! MIND IF I SIT HERE? NOONE WANTS TO SHARE A TABLE WITH ME!

Jack: Gee, I wonder why... Sure, go ahead.

San Diego - Bridge

MacGyver: Alright. 5 minutes till Soliton initiation.

*Kraa'pla's console beeps, causing him to leap up to the ceiling*

GAM: It would appear we are being hailed.

Wesson: Onscreen.

Neelix: Hello Captain!

Wesson: ...Who are you?

Neelix: My name's Neelix, of the freighter Errant Venture. We seem to have hit a snag and our warp engines are out of juice. You wouldn't happen to have some jumper cables, would you?

MacGyver: I haven't used em for anything yet.

Wesson: Alright, Mr. Neelix. Pull alongside and we'll give you a jump.

*The Errant Venture pulls alongside. The San Diego initiates the power transfer beam*

MacGyver: Uhh... Captain?

Wesson: What?

*MacGyver's console explodes*

Wesson: Great Roddenberry's Ghost!

GAM: The Errant Venture has just overloaded the power transfer.

Kraa'pla: Our shields are non-responsive!

*The Errant Venture fires a few phaser shots at the San Diego's port nacelle and flies off at full impulse*

Wesson: What the hell is he doing?

GAM: Receiving word from Earth... they're intiating the Soliton Wave.

Stanford: Give the abort signal.

GAM: Our communications are being jammed.

*The wave travels past the San Diego and sweeps up the Errant Venture*

Wesson: The hell he's gonna get away from me like that.

Stanford: Maybe you should get out and push?

Wesson: You? Joking? Whatever. Jack, Kraa'pla, you're with me. We're taking a shuttle after them.

*The Shuttle Tennant (Type-9, if you're wondering) swooshes out of the shuttlebay*

Shuttlecraft Tennant - Cockpit

Jack: We're up at warp 7... slowly catching up.

Wesson: Alright. Kraa'pla, you and I are going to beam over with Ensign Expendable here, and arrest this Neelix fellow. Jack, how long until we reach transporter range?

Jack: 30 seconds. It's gonna be tricky though, that wave is starting to expand!

Wesson: Expand?? But the relays are supposed to keep it from-

Jack: Transporter range!

*Wesson and Kraa'pal grab rifles*

Jack: Ener-

*They all are shaken about as the wave goes through a sudden expansion*

Jack: Oh shi-

*the three of them beam out, moments before the shuttle explodes*

Risa - Mission Control

Ensign Exposition: Doctor McKay!

McKay: What?

Exposition: I don't understand what's happening... the control relays have stopped sending out their MiniWaves.

Admiral General: Is something going on, Doctor?

McKay: Yes Admiral, it would seem the test has gone horribly awry. I blame the Starfleet Corps of Engineers for their shoddy workmanship, of course. This is no fault of my plan.

General Admiral: So... what's the situation?

McKay: That wave is growing wildly out of control and will crash into the surface, annihlating everyone unless-

Admiral General: Unless what?

McKay: We amp up our counter-wave by a factor of 10.

General Admiral: Is that even possible?

McKay: Well, normally no, but luckily you have me to help you.

Admiral General: Make it such.

Errant Venture - Command Deck

*Wesson, Kraa'pla and Jack beam in*

Wesson: Alright, you're under arrest for assaulting a Starfleet vessel, hijacking a science test, and intent to cause mass destruction.

Neelix: I think not, Captain.

Wesson: What are you up to, Neelix?

Neelix: Simple. I intend to ruin Admiral Janeway's vacation on Risa. BY DESTROYING THE PLANET.

Jack: But... think of the millions of gorgeous women you'd be killing.

*A console beeps*

Neelix: They've created an equally powerful counter-wave... but... that's impossible.

Wesson: Looks like the cards have folded in our favor, Neelix. Give yourself up while you still can.

Neelix: I think not. Henchman... GET THEM!

Henchman: Actually, I prefer the term Administrative Evil Facilitator- *Is shot by Kraa'pla*

Stanford: =/\=Captain! What's going on? =/\=

Wesson: Stanford? You're in comms range?

*The San Diego rapidly approaches the wave with its port nacelle wrapped in copper wire with cardboard sheets taped to the hull breaches*

Stanford: =/\=Hold on, we're coming to get you! =/\=

Wesson: Neelix, if you give yourself up, your sentence will probably be-

Jack: Forget mercy. He has no regrets about trying to kill all those sexy babes.

Neelix: I'm not coming with you. I have a revenge to complete.

Wesson: Have it your way.

*Wesson, Jack and Kraa'pla are beamed out*

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: They are aboard.

Stanford: Get us out of here, Lieutenant Vociferous!

Vociferous: AYE AYE!

*Nothing happens*

Stanford: Lieutenant... I hope to be out of here when that other wave hits.

Vociferous: NOTHING'S HAPPENING!

MacGyver: Oh no... warp power's starting to drop off!

Fune: We're doomed. *Calmly lights a cigarette and starts smoking*

*Everyone is shook about badly for a moment*

Stanford: I'll hazard a guess that that's a bad thing.

*Wesson, Kraa'pla and Jack pile out of the turbolift*

MacGyver: We won't be able to power our way out!

GAM: The counter-wave will arrive in... 1 minute.

McKay: =/\=Project Control to San Diego! What the hell are you doing still in there? You need to pull out of that Soliton Wave right now! =/\=

Jack: No, really?

Wesson: Jack??

Jack: I'm trying! We just don't have enough power! Warp engines are deader than a Texas salad bar, it's no good!

MacGyver: I've got something, but it's crazy and might not work.

Wesson: I like crazy. Crazy and I are like... that.

Kraa'pla: Whatever it is, make it quick! Today is a poor day to die!

*The San Diego ejects its warp core*

Wesson: I changed my mind! Too crazy! Too crazy!

MacGyver: Too late!

*The warp core explodes, flinging the San Diego out of the soliton wave mere moments before the counter-wave impacts. The massive explosion sends the San Diego flying off into a spin, the port nacelle shearing off as the craft flips end to-end whilst spinning madly*

Wesson: Alright, who's not dead? Soundoff.

Jack: Ugh... my head...

Fune: *Flatly* That was fun. Tell me next time we're gonna do this. Maybe I'll make a video of it for YouTube. *she calmly leaves the bridge*

NEXT TIME ON SAN DIEGO

A WELL-DESERVED VACATION

Jack: Risa. Ohh yeah.

GOES HORRIBLY AWRY

Chakotay: Sandcastles are for chumps.

AND- WELL, JUST DON'T COUNT ON MUCH HAPPENING, ON THE NEXT:

STAR TREK: SAN DIEGO

[Smyth Wesson]

And now, an all-new Star Trek: San Diego

San Diego - Engineering

MacGyver: Commander Stanford! What a pleasure to see you down here!
Stanford: Yes, your safety compliance report is overdue.
MacGyver: Right, heh. Say, aren’t you needed on the bridge? *MacGyver starts speaking out of the corner of his mouth in a falsetto voice* Bridge to Stanford. Get up here, you’re needed right away.
Stanford: On my way, Captain!
MacGyver: Heh. Works every time. Hey Ensign Daniels.
Daniels: What year is this??
MacGyver: 2378, why?
Daniels: Then there's still time...
MacGyver: You still up for poker night with the rest of the engineering crew tonight? Don't be late this time, eh?
Daniels: Yes... time.... *narrows his eyes as the music stabs dramatically*

*cue theme song*

“Tempus Fugitive"

San Diego - Bridge
Stanford: Mr. GAM, status report?
GAM: Ma'am, I am reading a ship coming in on sensors.
Stanford: Can you get a clear reading?
GAM: It is definitley Federation... power signature is extremely weak, however.
Stanford: Mr. Somethingsomething, intercept course, warp 8.
Jack: Aye.
Stanford: =/\=Captain Wesson to the bridge.
Wesson: What is it?
Stanford: Sir- How did you get here so fast?
Wesson: I've been standing here the whole time.
Stanford: Ah.
GAM: Sir, I am getting a positive ID... Miranda-Class, heavy damage.
Wesson: Onscreen.
*A miranda-class starship pops onscreen, missing a nacelle, with a few hull breaches over the rest of it*
GAM: Captain, I am reading lifesigns still aboard that ship. One person, critical condition.
Wesson: Beam that person aboard. =/\=Doctor Fune, prepare to recieve casualties.
Fune: =/\=Oy, again with the casualties!=/\=
San Diego - Sickbay
Wesson: Well, what've we got?
Fune: From the looks of things, he's human-
MacGyver: And he's got a pretty rockin' mullet.
Fune: I think it looks like ****.
Wesson: Tactful as ever, doctor.
*A medical monitor beeps*
Fune: That's my cue. Sounds like he's coming into the land of the awake.
Man: Who... are you?
Wesson: I'm Captain Wesson of the Federation Starship San Diego. Who are you?
Khan: My name is... Khan.
Wesson: Okeydoke. Can you tell me what happened over there?
Khan: Kirk.... Kirk... KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRK!!!
*His voice echoes through space and the camera zooms away from the ship a few times*
Wesson: Okeydoke. Have fun with that. Doctor, I'll be in my ready room. Have fun entertaining the patient.
Khan: He tasks me... he tasks me...
San Diego - Ready Room
*Wesson sits down at his desk and opens up a large book*
Daniels: Captain.
Wesson: AHHH!! What do you want?
Daniels: Captain Wesson, I am from the future. The 31st century.
Wesson: I don't believe you.
Daniels: Your book will spontaneously catch fire in 3 seconds.
*the book does so*
Wesson: How did you know that?
Daniels: Like I said, I'm from the future. Anyways, Khan is a grave danger. You have to get rid of him.
Wesson: Ok.
Daniels: If you don- what?
Wesson: I said "Ok". I'm already having a prison transport en route. I'm not that stupid. I did run a background check on this 'Khan' guy.
Daniels: Ok, cool. *He vanishes in a puff of smoke*
Stanford: =/\=Sir, you might want to come to the bridge. We have company. =/\=

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: Who is it now?
Stanford: If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say an unidentified ship.
Jack: Why is every ship we can't identify called 'unidentified'?
Wesson: -_-. Hail them.
GAM: Hailing frequencies open.
Wesson: This is Captain Smyth T. Wesson of the Federation Starship San Diego.
Braxton: No, you're Captain Smyth T. Wesson of the Federation Starship San Diego.
MacGyver: Looks like we've found ourselves a parrot.
Braxton: No, it looks like-
Ducane: Go play with your Hot Wheels, sir.
Braxton: Whee!! Hot Wheels!
Wesson: And who are you?
Ducane: Lieutenant Ducane of the Federation Timeship Relativity. That was Captain Braxton.
Wesson: That's cool, I guess...
Ducane: We're here to take Khan into custody for tax evasion. Also, he belongs to Star Trek: Series ? and not Star Trek: San Diego, and a lot of our jokes would be erased from the normal timeline were he arrested.
Wesson: Fine, take him.
Ducane: We've time-beamed him aboard. Mr. Sulu, initiate time-warp on my time-command. Thank you Captain Wesson, Relativity out.

*The Relativity disappears*

Wesson: Well, that could have gone worse. There was a distinct lack of things exploding.

*A skeleton materializes on the bridge*

Future Spock: I am the skeleton of Ambassador Spock, from the 400th Century, and I have come with a grave warning, Captain Wesson!!! You're uhh- almost out of milk. Might want to stock up soon.
Wesson: *Facepalm*

Next time on San Diego...

This is the story of the men and women who will begin to find their destinies.

It is a story of triumph, struggle, and sacrifice.

"Into The Fire"

[Smyth Wesson]

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Captain Wesson, I am recieving a distress call."
Wesson: "From where? And who?"
GAM: "Spiegel Colony. I can not ascertain who sent the signal in question, it is a general plea for aid."
Wesson: "Well, we can't turn it down, then. Jack, set course, maximum speed."
Jack: "Pedal to the medal, Captain."

*The San Diego warps off*

Jack: "ETA is 10 minutes."
Wesson: "Alright, MacGyver, Kraa'pla, meet me in the transporter room. Stanford, the ship is yours."

Spiegel Colony - Surface Installation

*Wesson, MacGyver and Kraa'pla beam in. It is dark and gloomy.*

Wesson: "Phasers to stun."

*A group of masked security officers come out of the shadows and point rifles at them. A man comes forth, covered in shadow*

Man: "That won't be necessary, rest assured, my men have you in their capable hands."

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Commander Stanford! A planetary shield is activating!!"
Stanford: "What?!"
Jack: "It's a trap!"
Fune: "Of course we know it's a trap! You didn't have to yell as if we didn't know!"

*cue theme song*

"Into The Fire"

Spiegel Colony - Underground Facility

*Wesson, MacGyver and Kraa'pla are tied up to chairs*

Wesson: "Who the hell are you?"
Man: "Honestly, Captain, shouldn't remember dear old me? The man you left to the Capulets and Montagues to die!"
Wesson: "...Bob Saget?"
O'Connor: "-Thadius O'Connor."
MacGyver: "You? The cheeseball?"
Wesson: "I knew there was something shifty about you when we first met. And not your man-tool leather pants, either."
O'Connor: "Yes... after my ship was destroyed, I was left to drift alone in deep space... there, I found something incredible... my new friends. My new friend."
Wesson: "You mean-"
O'Connor: "You needn't possibly understand. Simply that the viral infection at Lusitania and incident with the Soliton Wave were of my doing- but not as I had planned."
MacGyver: "You meant to kill us?"
O'Connor: "Oh, nothing so droll and pointless. That would merely be a bonus- icing on the cake, if you will..."
Kraa'pla: "Mmmm.... icing..."
O'Connor: "I am not out to merely kill you. I have higher aspirations. That being said, the two goals do coincide. I'm going to kill you until I get what I need. That's right, kill you, with deaths, lots of them unpleasant."
Wesson: "Wesson, Smyth T. Service Number G917001, Rank: Commander; Position-"
O'Connor: "Oh please, do you think I would resort to something as crude as standard interrogation?" *He claps his hands* "Men, take them to the Apocalpyse Chamber."
Kraa'pla: "A-p-p-pocalpyse?"
O'Connor: "Don't worry, it's marginally more pleasant than the name lets on."

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Commander, I have analyzed the planetary shield, and I believe I have found a weakness."
Stanford: "What is it, Lieutenant?"
GAM: "If we can hit it with an inverse tachyon beam here-" *he points at a highlighted section of the shield on the readout on the main viewer* "-Then we can use the San Diego as a battering ram to penetrate the shield. If we can get there fast enough after firing the beam."
Stanford: "Mr. Somethingsomething, are you up to it?"
Jack: "I dunno... I've never penetraded anything before-"

*Fune breaks out laughing so hard she falls out of her chair and starts rolling on the floor*

Jack: *Shoots Fune a sour look* "-But I'll try."
Stanford: "Attention all hands: Secure all stations and brace for impact."
Jack: "That's what she said."
GAM: "That is what she said."
Stanford: "GAM, fire the inverse tachyon beam."

*The San Diego's main deflector starts glowing brighter as energy arcs off of it and crackles around it. Suddenly an intense azure column of light erupts out of the center and strikes the planet's shield.*

Stanford: "Now!"

*The San Diego bursts forward at full impulse, slamming right into the shield. After a few moments of contact, the planetary shield collapses*

Spiegel Colony - Apocalypse Chamber

*Our 3 heroes are led into a massive vault, filled wall-to wall with vials*

MacGyver: "What the hell is this?"
O'Connor: "This, gentlemen... is the future."
Kraa'pla: "The future's scary!" *He struggles against his cuffs*
O'Connor: "Resistance is pointless, I can assure you."
Wesson: "Just... what the hell is this?"
O'Connor: "You'll find out soon enough, Captain."

*A henchman runs in*

Henchman: "Lord O'Connor! The San Diego has breached the defense shield!"
O'Connor: "Sooner than I expected... are the planetary defense systems online?"
Henchman: "Yes, sir."

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "The shock of the planet's shield dropping has overloaded our own generators, Commander."
Jack: "Oy- that was bumpy!"
GAM: "Multiple contacts incoming from the surface- small, unarmed craft."
Fune: "Attack drones!"

*They start firing on the San Diego, their phaser blasts leaving small scorch marks*

GAM: "Structural integrity fields are holding."

Spiegel Colony - Apocalypse Chamber

Henchman: "Surface emplacements are in range."
O'Connor: "Very well then. Give them a chance to get out of my hair, and if they refuse, blow them out of the sky."
Stanford: =This is Lieutenant Commander Stanford of the starship San Diego. You have committed a hostile act. Stand down and prepare to face arrest.-
O'Connor: "Commander... Commander. You should stand down while you still can. You have 80 people to think about, and these three are only... three. I'm willing to let you go if you stand down and leave now."
Stanford: "I'm not leaving without orders."
O'Connor: "Well, Captain? Give the order, and I might think more highly of you."
Wesson: "Come down here, Commander. Even if you have to break down the goddamned door with my ship."
O'Connor: "You should have surrendered while you still had the chance."
Wesson: "I don't know the meaning of the word 'surrender'!... I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb... Just - not in this context."

*O'Connor gives a hand gesture*

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Reading power buildup on the surface."
Jack: "Oh sh-"

*A phaser beam hits the port side of the saucer, slicing clean through to the other side*

*GAM's console explodes, knocking him across the room and the lights flicker in and out. Fune rushes to man the OPS console*

Fune: "Looks like a hull breach. Decks 3, 4 and 5!"
Stanford: "Lieutenant Somethingsomething... I'm sure you caught the Captain's last orders?"
Jack: "Charge the place? Without shields? Against that kind of firepower? Are you serious?"
Fune: "I'll let you see my boobs if we live through it."
Jack: "YAHOO!!!" *He slams the throttle and dips the ship towards the surface*

Spiegel Colony - Apocalypse Chamber

*Fune beams in with a pair of security guards as Wesson starts laughing maniacally.*

O'Connor: "Impossible!!"
Wesson: "No, just extremely-" *he headbutts O'Connor* "-Improbable!"

*A firefight breaks out. Kraa'pla hides under a console. MacGyver raises his hands and Fune shoots off his cuffs. He pulls a phaser off of a fallen redshirt and cuts Wesson's cuffs*

Wesson: "Thanks."
Fune: "Alright- enemy has been dispatched."
Kraa'pla: *Crawls out from under the console* "Is it over?"
Wesson: *To Fune* "Why aren't you my CoS?"
MacGyver: "Sir, I think we should blow this place."
Wesson: "Good idea. Fune, you and Kraa'pla place charges. MacGyver, you stick with me. I want you to crack this place's computers and get O'Connor's plans. I want to see what he's been up to."

*everyone nods*

San Diego - Bridge

Lt. Vociferous: "HULL INTEGRITY AT 47 PERCENT!"
Jack: "If we keep this up, we'll never make it to that facility in any condition to help out!"
Stanford: "Over there! That crater! Get us inside it, and their phasers should't be able to reach us!"
Jack: "Engine power's failing! I might not make it!"

*The San Diego crashes inside the crater, fortunatley in one piece*

Spiegel Colony - Apocalypse Chamber

MacGyver: "Alright, I've uploaded all the files to my tricorder."
Wesson: "Ahh mean, you should have seen the look on O'Connor's face when we foiled his little plan." *He laughs*

*O'Connor leaps off of the ground and knocks MacGyver out with a blow to the neck*

Wesson: "Uh-oh. That face isn't as funny as the last one."
Fune: =/\=Fune to Wesson. Charges are set. =/\=
Wesson: " =/\= Wesson to San Diego-" *He dodges a kick from O'Connor* "-allons-y!!"

*Our heroes are beamed out moments before the charges go off, destroying the facility*

San Diego - Conference Room - 2 Hours Later

MacGyver: "I still haven't been able to fully decode the data we recieved. Some of it refers to a "Singularity", but its difficult to make anything out- the universal translator's not having a fun time with it."
Stanford: "What of ship's status?"
MacGyver: "I'm still doing a manual check- most systems are operational but-"
Jack: "There's always a 'but', isn't there?"
MacGyver: "Most of our dilithium crystals have shattered. We only have one left, and it's severely fractured. We'll only be able to go to warp once."
Wesson: *facepalm* "I really don't need this..."
Fune: "Well hold on... if we can get in range of help-"
GAM: "We are at the edge of known space. Help would take weeks to get here."
Jack: "Well, we do have one option-"
Wesson: "I'm listening."
Jack: "Delta Vega. It's in the far reaches- Starfleet runs a Dillithium cracking station there."
Wesson: "Delta Vega it is, then."

Next time on San Diego...

Jack: "Delta Vega... more like Delta Vagina. Mmrow."
Wesson: *Facepalm*

"Where Someone Has Gone Before"

[Smyth Wesson]

New episodes coming soon:

"Where Someone Has Gone Before"
"A Piece of Inaction"
"Too Good Too Bad"
"That Crappy Risa Episode"
"Indemnity Crisis"
"Micro Machine"
"Eav'oq-ative"
"Holo-Pursuits"
"Babel, You're The Greatest"
"The Worst Of Both Worlds, Part 1"

[Smyth Wesson]

Important: Before reading, please view the TOS episode "Where No Man Has Gone Before"

Wesson: Captain's log, stardate 1312.4. The impossible has happened. Well, not that impossible- I've just always wanted to say that. We're currently limping on impulse power to Delta Vega. End log.

San Diego - Bridge

Jack: "Now entering orbit of Delta Vega."
Wesson: "Hail the Dilithium Cracking Station."
GAM: "I am getting no reply sir. Only automated confirmation that our transmission has been recieved."
Wesson: "MacGyver, what can you tell me about the facility?"
MacGyver: "Well, it was originally a small communications post back in the 2250s, but Starfleet automated it and converted it into a Dilithium cracking station. It's recently been refurbished and repurposed as a listening post. It's pretty much a small ground habitat attached to the large dilithium facility."
Wesson: "Alright. Kraa'pla, Jack, Stanford, you're going over to the creepy outpost. I'll stay here and eat ice cream while watching Farscape reruns."

Delta Vega Crew Station - Commons Area

*Stanford, Kraa'pla and Jack beam in*

Jack: "Hello? Anybody home?"

*Silence*

Stanford: "I guess not..."
Krra'pla: "I've seen this before, man. We're gonna snoop around, find some dead bodies, then something nasty'll pop out at us. Something big and red with 200 eyes and spider legs and a really gross mouth. I should have stayed on the ship, man."
Jack: "Don't be such a-"

*Something in the background falls over. Kraa'pla jumps up, breaking a light fixture and getting his head stuck in it*

Jack: "Ah jeeze, not again-"

*He pulls Kraa'pla out of the ceiling, while Stanford scans around the room*

Stanford: "You two- give me a hand, there's someone trapped under this debris."

*They pull a sciences division lieutenant out of the rubble - a Trill. She seems disoriented and blinks twice*

Jack: "What's your name, beautiful?" *A girder falls from the ceiling, crushing him. Noone seems to notice*
Raza: *She turns to face Stanford* "Raza, Vyrian Raza... I didn't think anybody would be coming, ma'am."
Stanford: "What? Why?"
Raza: "Because he said he'd block any distress transmission."
Jack: "Who?"
Raza: "Him" *she points at the door, where a silver-eyed man is standing with a lunatic grin on his face* "That chump."

*cue theme song*

"Where Someone Has Gone Before"

Delta Vega Crew Station - Commons Area

Stanford: "Who are you?"
Man: "I am your god."
Jack: "Oh, that's not cliche at all."
Man: "SILENCE!!!!"
Jack: "Isn't it ironic to yell silence?"
Man: "Isn't it ironic to be ironic?"
Jack: "...No."
Man: "Silence!!!!!" *He waves his hand and Jack's mouth seals shut. Kraa'pla bugs out and hides under a table*

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Captain! We've lost contact!"
Wesson: "Have you checked the boxes of VHS tapes in the garage?"
Fune: "contact, not Contact!"
Wesson: "Increase hailing strength. We gotta get through to that away team."

Delta Vega Crew Station - Commons Area

Raza: "Lady and gents, I'd like you to meet Ensign Max Wilson."
Wilson: "Nuh-uh! I am Zorbion! Destroyer of Worlds!"
Stanford: "Lieutenant... what in God's name is going on here?"
Raza: "Well, I'm not entirely sure-"
Wilson: "Hello! God-like being standing in the doorway!"
Raza: "He was part of the crew of a ship that stopped by for some dilithium. They went into the Galactic Barrier to respond to a distress call - the ship came back and he-"
Wilson: "Silence! Enough talk!"
Raza: "Geeze, how many times can a guy say 'SILENCE!'? Ever heard of a thesaurus?"
Wilson: "For that, you will burn!" *He summons a lightning storm*
Raza: "Oooh, lightning. I'm scared. It's not like that trick's been used by like - every 1980s movie bad guy ever."
Wilson: "I - silence!"
Raza: "Remember what we discussed about vocabulary?"
Stanford: "Lieutenant, I hardly think that provoking him is a wise idea."

*Wilson starts causing the ground to shake and fire to shoot out of cracks in the Earth*

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Captain, you had better see these energy readings."
Wesson: "Great jumpin' Rakelli on a high wire signin' Heart Of Oak! These readings are off the charts!"
MacGyver: "Whatever we're dealing with... it's blocked our transporter capability as well."
Wesson: "Blast!"
Fune: "Who says that anymore, anyways?"
Wesson: "Bad guys with cheesy fake British accents?"

Delta Vega Crew Station - Commons Area

Raza: "In retrospect, yeah. Not a good idea."

*A voice booms out across the room*

Voice: "STOP!"
Raza: "Hammertime."

*Another fellow appears. He is wearing an old-style 23rd century uniform and has grey hair and glowing silver eyes like those of Wilson*

Mitchell: "Max Wilson... don't be such a child. You're letting these little mortals bother you?"
Wilson: "Who the hell are you?"
Mitchell: "What are you dense... are you retarded??? I'M GARY MITCHELL."
*Wilson tries to zap him with lightning, but Mitchell easily deflects it and hits him over the head with a gravestone*
Mitchell: "James R. Kirk? What was I thinking?"
Raza: "Maybe the "R" stood for Robau?"
Mitchell: "... one of the few beings in this universe more powerful than I. That would explain it. He must have influenced events... as a warning to me."
Jack: "Excuse me, Mr. Mitchell dude-"
Stanford: "Wasn't your mouth sealed?"
Mitchell: "Plot hole."
Jack: "Anyways. Weren't you all evil and stuff?"
Mitchell: "Yes, that's when I was going mad with power. Then I realized that since I'm basically a god, acting all selfish wouldn't accomplish anything and conquering the universe would be silly and unfulfilling, so I sat in that grave, pondering the answers to life's greatest mysteries. Like what LOST's airing schedule is."
Jack: "Did you ever find it out?"
Mitchell: "Not even I know when the next episode is meant to air. In any case - you are free to go."
Stanford: "Right then. Kraa'pla, Jack: you grab the dilithium."

San Diego - Conference Room - 4 Hours Later

Jack: "-and then they shot lightning at each other!"
Wesson: "Ok, I've heard enough. MacGyver, how're the engines?"
MacGyver: "Back to their neon day-glo glory, sir."
Wesson: "Good to hear. We should be able to get underway then, right?"
Jack: "Oh yeah. I can have us at the nearest Starbase in a few weeks."
Stanford: "There is one outstanding issue-"
Wesson: "Which is?"
Stanford: "We have no Chief Science Officer."
Wesson: "Do we even need one?"
Fune: "This isn't another of your desperate attempts to cut shipboard budget, is it, Captain?"
Wesson: "As much as I'd like to assign one, we don't even have any science officers onboard."
Jack: "What about that chick we picked up at the outpost? Rosco... Razor... something like that."
Wesson: "Hmm... I guess. Anything else we should discuss at this briefing?"
Fune: "Yeah, there's a funny smell coming from the vents in Sickbay."

*MacGyver writes something down on a notepad*

Wesson: "Well, if that's it... dismissed."

San Diego - Bridge

*Wesson dramatically marches in, sits down in the command chair and dramatically poses, spinning to face each station as they report in*

Wesson: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it is time for us to truly start going where someone has gone before."
Kraa'pla: "Tactical, ready to kick ass in the name of honor and glory... and stuff!"
MacGyver: "Engineering, ready for anything."
Raza: "Nothing on sensors - deader than a Texas salad bar, sir."
Stanford: "First Officer's chair- uuum... online?"
GAM: "All stations report ready."
Jack: "Warp speed on your command, sir."
Wesson: "Hit it."

*The San Diego warps off*

Next time on San Diego...

Raza: "Captain, we've got a ship incoming... their weapons are armed and their stereo is playing the Sopranos theme on max volume!"

[Smyth Wesson]

*A TOS-style Constitution-Class ship whooshes by the camera*

Deck 01 - Bridge

Captain: "Science officer... time to intercept?"
Science Officer: "We will arrive at planet Omicron Persei 13 in approximately one minute. The other vessel is not taking a posture against us."
Captain: "Duly noted."
Science Officer: "Captain... they are hailing us."
Captain: "Onscreen."

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: "Captain's log: We are entering orbit of Omicron Persei 13, in order to haggle for resources to better repair the ship. I wish we were on Voyager. The battle damage from the incident with O'Connor wouldn't have lasted past that episode."
Raza: "Captain, as important your Facebook Journal is... we've got something bigger. There's another ship coming in."
Wesson: "And, what are they doing exactly?"
GAM: "They are hailing us."
Wesson: "Alright, let's put this s**t onscreen."
GAM: "Channel open, sir."
Wesson: "Uuum... who are you and what do you want?"
Captain *appears on viewscreen*: "I'm Captain Jimmy D. Kirok... of the Confederation Starship Enterprise."
Wesson: "What."

*cue theme song*

"A Piece of Inaction"

San Diego - Bridge

Wesson: "We're just stopping by to trade with the planet's natives for supplies-"
Kirok: "Absolutley unacceptable! This undeveloped world is a protectorate of the Confederation. Its not yet warp-capable and letting you contact them would violate my duty to uphold the Prime Enactive."
Wesson: "Hold please."
MacGyver: "Sir, if we can't get those supplies from the natives, then we won't be able to make the trip home."
Stanford: "Conference?"
Wesson: "Conference."

San Diego - Conference Lounge

Wesson: "Alright, Item One on the agenda... weird starship. Looks like an old Starfleet ship, but apparently isn't. Thoughts?"
MacGyver: "Time travel?"
Raza: "Parallel universe?"
Jack: "We're getting punked by Tracy Morgan?"
Wesson: "All distinct possibilities. However, I propose the following: We infiltrate the ship to discover its origins. "
*Everyone looks at Stanford. She seems to be spacing out.*
Stanford: "Oh! Sorry." *Cough* "Sir! I must protest against that suggestion: It would be a severe breach of some protocol you probably don't care about."
MacGyver: "Why don't we just ask them where they're from?"
Wesson: "My guess is that the writers want to pay homage to TOS by putting us in the classic uniforms."

San Diego - Transporter Room

MacGyver: "Heh, check it out. Back in the day, command officers wore gold and engineering officers wore red. Nerds."
*everyone laughs*
Wesson: "Alright people. You'll be dropped into potentially hostile territory-"
Raza: "Beamed, Captain."
Wesson: "Whatever. Anyways, you'll be dressed in the uniforms of old-style Starfleet officers. Your mission, should you choose to accept - is to infiltrate the starship and ascertain its origins. Good luck."
Jack: "What if we don't want to go?"
Wesson: "Bye."
*they're beamed out*

Enterprise - Corridor

*Fune, Raza, MacGyver and Jack beam onboard*
MacGyver: "Let's pan out... the computer core is on deck 8, which we'll have to reach via Jefferies Tubes."
Jack: "Ladies first."
*they start going down*
MacGyver: "Stop lookin' up my pants."
Fune: "What are you on about?"

Enterprise - Computer Core

*They come before a massive computer with giant blinky lights and tape spools*
Computer: "Statement: You are not of the canon. Question: Why have you come here?"
MacGyver: "Err, what?"
Computer: "Answer the question!! I DEMAND IT!"
Jack: "Dude! Stop yelling!"
Computer: "ONLY THE GREAT BIRD CAN COMMAND THIS ORACLE!"
Fune: "Not that I care, but who is this 'Great Bird' fellow?"
Computer: "THE GREAT BIRD IS HE THAT CREATED ALL WHICH IS CANON."
Fune: "Right... and what exactly is uh - 'canon'?"
MacGyver: "It's a camera manufacturer, last I checked."
Computer: "SILENCE!! THE CANON IS ALL WHICH WAS CREATED BY THE GREAT BIRD."
Raza: "Uhh guys-" *She points at an object housed in the base of the computer* "-What's that?"
MacGyver: "Looks like a DVD box set. Yellow plastic."
Fune: "Probably Mr. Bean or some ****."
*Vociferous starts rubbing dirt off of the box set*
Jack: "T-A-R T-R-E-K... TAR TREK!!"
*Fune rubs off the first letter*
Fune: "It says 'Star Trek'. Idiot."
Raza: "Looking at the description on the back of the box, it sounds like some kind of dramatization of Captain Kirks' five-year mission... except it was made in 1966."
Fune: "I guess this means it's from some parallel universe or some ****?"
MacGyver: "Yeah... it somehow must have drifted deep into space and fallen into a black hole, crossing over to our reality."
Raza: "You tit! Things don't 'fall through' a black hole. They get condensed to an impossibly dense pimple on the singularity."
MacGyver: "Alright then, what do you think happened, genius?"
Raza: "Probably what you just said."
Computer: "SILENCE!"
*A pair of security officers come out of access hatches and point phasers at them*
Redshirt: "This is a restricted area! Who are you that you would dare penetrate-"
Jack: "Heh."
Redshirt: "-this chamber!"
Raza: "Us? Oh, we're just the janitors."

San Diego - Bridge

GAM: "Captain, the Enterprise is powering her shields and weapons."
Wesson: *Pushes armrest intercom* "Wesson to Away Team; I need 20 CCs of 'what the hell's going on over there'!"
GAM: "We are being hailed."
Kirok: "Captain... Wesson... whatisthemeaningofthis?"
Wesson: "The meaning of life? You know, honestly, I prefer that one over Holy Grail."
Kirok: "Don't play stupid with me, mister! I am responsible for the lives of 600 men and women!"
Wesson: "Ok, we kinda did infiltrate your ship, but to be fair, you're being jerks."

Enterprise - Computer Core

MacGyver: "Guys, I have a plan... but also a shocking revelation."
Fune: "Sounds juicy. Do tell."
MacGyver: "I brought a portable DVD player and these, in case we got bored."
*MacGyver pulls out TNG The Complete Series*
Raza: "Oh. Wow. You're from a parallel universe, too!"
Fune: "Meh." *She lights up a cigarette*
Raza: "What kind of parallel universe is it? Is Biff Tannen the de facto economic leader of the U.S.? Did Nazi Germany win World War II? Is Conan O'Brien a cybernetic Mandalorian bounty hunter? Is everyone evil and dressed in leather, with additional facial hair, where applicable?"
MacGyver: "Ah nope. The only difference is that Star Wars was a TV show in your guys's universe."
Jack: "So what's the plan?"
MacGyver: "You guys distract the guards, while I upload the TNG DVDs. Since this is like TOS, the computer will undoubtedly start smoking and shut down. Ready?"
Raza: "I've got something that'll keep em' busy. Get to that computer."
MacGyver: "Right."
*He runs over to the computer and slides the DVDs in*
Redshirt 1: "Hey! You can't do that!"
Raza: "Oh boys! Over here!" *she lifts up her shirt*
Fune: *Facepalm* "Raza... the guards are both women."
Redshirt 1: "Oh, now that's just disgraceful."
Redshirt 2: "Did you even think your plan through before you did that?"
Redshirt 1: "Honestly, there are plenty of other things you could have tried, like the 'oh, I'm terribly ill all of a sudden' ploy, which seems to work much better than flashing people, to be terribly honest."
Redshirt 2: "There's nothing worse than a poorly-planned guard diversion tactic."
*Meanwhile*
Computer: "What is this?"
MacGyver: "It is of the canon."
Computer: "IMPOSSIBLE! THE CANON WAS CREATED BETWEEN 1966 AND 1979 BY THE GLORIOUS PROPHET RODDENBERRY."
MacGyver: "It is canon. Gene Roddenberry created it. Check the credits and the special features."
*The computer smokes and catches fire*
*Meanwhile*
Redshirt 2: "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
Redshirt 1: "Not at all. They could be carried."
Redshirt 2: "A swallow carrying a coconut?"
Redshirt 1: "It could grip it by the husk."
Redshirt 2: "It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one ounce coconut."
Fune: "That was a surprisingly brilliant plan. How did you know it would work?"
Jack: "She could have tested it on me first..."
Fune: "Oh, you wish."
Raza: "I calculated the odds of succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and I went ahead anyway."
*The ship suddenly lurches to one side*

San Diego - Bridge

*A console beeps*
Wesson: "What now?"
Kraa'pla: "The Enterprise's main systems are failing."
Stanford: "Beam our people out of there!"
*They are beamed onto the bridge*
GAM: "Captain, the Enterprise is loosing attitude control. They are starting to fall towards the planet."
Raza: "Captain, if that ship hits the planet with a full load of antimatter... well, let's just say the people on Omicron Persei 18 will be having a global barbecue today."
Kraa'pla: "Ooo, I love barbecues."
Wesson: "Lock a tractor beam, now!"
MacGyver: "I'll be in engineering!"
Wesson: "Jack, pull it up, hard as you can."
Jack: "I'm trying sir."
Wesson: "Wesson to engineering, I need more power!"
MacGyver: =/\= "I'm givin ya' all she's got, Cap'n!"
Fune: "Worst Scotty impression ever."
Wesson: "All she's got isn't good enough. What else ya got?"
MacGyver: =/\= "Hang on! I'm checking Wikipedia!" =/\=
Jack: "1 minute until we get pulled down with them!"
Fune: "Oh, great."
Jack: "Sir! Engine power's just gone up to 300 percent!"
Wesson: "GO GO GO!"
*The San Diego wooshes away from the planet, dragging the Enterprise with it.*
*Later*
Wesson: "Captain's log, supplemental; with the Enterprise disabled, we were able to trade with the natives and fully repair our battle damage. We are now heading back to Federation space to be ignored by Starfleet command some more."